Hurting Because of a Break Up?

A while back we talked about the Break Up Formula -- a 5 step process I invented that can help you get through the pain of a break up and back into a happy state quickly and completely.

(For those of you who didn't get to read that post, you can still check it out at http://draymee.blogspot.com/2011/08/q-how-can-i-deal-with-break-up.html).

To demonstrate how the Break Up Formula really works, I wanted to share a story from one of my happiness coaching clients. She followed the five steps, got the closure she needed, and got back on the path to sustainable happiness. 

“Before using the break up formula I was filled with anxiety and had truly not acknowledged what had really happened.  Andrew had broken up with me, and I still was keeping the relationship alive in my mind so I wouldn’t feel the pain. I was in denial.

Once I acknowledged the break up, I began to let go of the anxiety. It was almost as if the ending allowed a beginning – sort of like winter is barren but is necessary for spring to emerge.

Once I accepted the break up, I was able to forgive myself and to forgive Andrew for leaving.  He was right to have left the relationship because the relationship was not working.

Next, I identified the learning lessons, which for me centered around the lack of integrity that was in our relationship and the fact that I allowed him to treat me poorly.  I came to understand that if I allow someone to treat me poorly, I do not respect myself, and if I do not respect myself, no one can.

Learning to be grateful for the relationship, even though it ended and was painful at times, was so important because it allowed me to be free of negative feelings toward someone who hurt me. It also gave me a sense of compassion for myself and for Andrew.

Physically breathing in and letting go was a powerful process, which for me completed the action.  My mind and body were physically freed.

The break-up formula helped on the days when I was sad and wanting Andrew.  It is a formula that clearly puts the situation into proper perspective.  By nature I wanted to go back to the relationship even though it was over and not healthy for me.  This formula helped me see the light and helped me overcome my fears.”

For a quick lesson on the Break Up Formula, watch my video on it here.

Need more help or inspiration to get through the pain of a break up and back into a happy state?

Visit my Self-Help Store for more tools to help you back into a happy state!


*************************************************************************************************************
Visit Self-Help Store 
Free Phone Consultation with Dr. Aymee 
Learn how to use Happiness Science to coach others
Hire Dr. Aymee for as a Keynote Speaker
www.happinessmakeover.com 


Dr. Aymee Coget, a widely-known happiness expert, has more than 15 years of experience in positive psychology. Through the Happiness Makeover™, a program developed by Coget, she teaches people how to achieve happiness and handle life's challenges. She also serves as CEO and founder of the American Happiness Association, a science-backed nonprofit designed to educate individuals and organizations about how to be happier, and was nominated for CNN Hero of the Year in 2011.  

Achieve Radiating Beauty And Build Your Confidence!

When you feel beautiful, it gives you confidence. You know it does! 


But what if you don't feel beautiful or confident?

Let me tell you a story about how one girl developed her relationship with beauty and how it gave her unshakeable confidence in herself.

There was a girl who was twelve years old, she had zits all over her face, her hair was greasy and always in a lame hairstyle and she always wore the same three outfits over and over again.  She was definitely not in the popular crowd.  There was one girl in the popular crowd who would talk to her and was her friend, yet there was another girl in the popular crowd who always picked on her and put her down.  This girl did not have a lot of confidence in herself. 

Then the twelve year old girl turned fourteen, and her zits disappeared and she got a new hairstyle and the popular group started to talk to her.  This girl then became friends with the popular group and kept her other group of friends too.  She grew in her sense of confidence that had a lot to do with how others perceived her beauty.  She was even sought after by modeling agencies. 

When this girl turned nineteen she became overweight.  She moved to Hollywood and began to exercise three hours a day six days a week.  She really trimmed down and felt like her beauty was hers again.  She was even approached by famous photographers and movie/television directors/producers/agents. 

Never being interested in acting, she pursued modeling more seriously.  She hired a photographer and her goal was to model internationally.  The two of them flew all over the world taking photographs to build her portfolio so she could model for top agencies.

She was invited to invitation only modeling competitions for top international agencies, From that event she ended up having representation in LA, New York, Miami, Atlanta, Chicago, and Detroit.

She modeled for a few years in her early twenties and decided she needed to go back to college to finish her degree.  After college, she moved to San Francisco and her skin became inflamed with cystic acne.  There were zits all over her face and she felt helpless and hopeless.  She was the opposite of confident.  She stopped looking in the mirror and became introverted.  Her Doctor prescribed severe medicine for her.  During the medication, she became terribly depressed and it was hard for her to look at anyone in the eyes when communicating with them.  She was totally convinced everyone was grossed out by her face.  The medication dried her eyes, lips, and nose out so she was never comfortable in her body.  The Doctor recommended six months of treatment and she could only take it for four months because of the toll it was taken on her mind and body.  She saw enough progress that she felt she could stop the treatment.

At this point, she was twenty five and noticed there was a shift in her self-esteem and her self-confidence.  She posted up her old modeling photos so she remember her beauty.  She new it was up to herself to build her self-esteem and self-confidence again.  No one was going to do it for her. She trained herself to look in the mirror again and eventually she built up her self esteem and self confidence again.

This up and down back and forth experience with having beauty and not having beauty led to some deep realizations for this woman.  She realized that beauty is on the inside no matter what her physical appearance may be.  Zits will come and go, fat will come and go, acceptance by the popular group will come and go, professional opportunities will come and go….

What she can count on now is knowing that her beauty is not dependent on how skinny she is or how many zits she has on her face or if she has a cool haircut or if she is part of the cool crowd or if she is an international model

BECAUSE

Her beauty is on the inside. This beauty is unwavering for her and she will have it all of the time no matter what, no one can take it away from her. Knowing that this beauty is hers and no one can take it away, gives her the highest self-esteem and self-confidence that she can imagine.

This self-esteem and self-confidence created a magical switch in her daily experience. It propelled her to pursue and complete her PhD, start a business, have meetings at top television stations, pursue and achieve the relationship of her dreams and publish a book! Any guesses on who this woman is?

You can develop your self-confidence and your self esteem just like this woman. It starts with the recognition of knowing only you can give yourself these powerful feelings of beauty, self-esteem, and self-confidence.  As  Diana LaSalle points out in her article on Feeling Beautiful, real beauty is so much more than your physical appearance! 


Get in touch with the beauty of your heart, mind and soul. When you start to live this beauty, your body will reflect it out to the world and you will achieve a real radiating beauty that everyone will be able to see and feel! And yes, this will boost your confidence too :)!

Visit my Self-Help Store for tools to help you achieve real radiating beauty and build your confidence!



*************************************************************************************************************
Visit Self-Help Store 
Free Phone Consultation with Dr. Aymee 
Learn how to use Happiness Science to coach others
Hire Dr. Aymee for as a Keynote Speaker
www.happinessmakeover.com 

Dr. Aymee Coget, a widely-known happiness expert, has more than 15 years of experience in positive psychology. Through the Happiness Makeover™, a program developed by Coget, she teaches people how to achieve happiness and handle life's challenges. She also serves as CEO and founder of the American Happiness Association, a science-backed nonprofit designed to educate individuals and organizations about how to be happier, and was nominated for CNN Hero of the Year in 2011.  

4 Steps to Creating Sustainable Happiness in Your Family Relationships!

Have you ever had a fight with a family member?  Were you happy when that fight occurred?  Probably not.  I mentioned briefly that I grew up in a loving supportive family environment. However, you know as well as I do that we all have our tiffs!  So what can you do to ensure that these tiffs remain tiffs and do not escalate to become explosions?
 
What are the happiness tools we can apply in these situations?  
 
• Forgiveness
• Letting Go
• Accepting Imperfection as Perfection
• Conscious Positivity
 
Forgiveness is a HUGE aspect of sustainable happiness.  Imagine living your life full of resentments and grudges.  Can you possibly be happy all of the time?  No way!  So we have to learn how to forgive others who have “wronged” us in one way or another.  
 
In 2001, research by Dr. LorenToussaint and her colleagues showed that self-forgiveness and other forms of forgiveness are inversely related to psychological distress and that forgiveness of others was related to higher overall life satisfaction.  Even earlier, though, in 1992, a research team including Dr. Paul Mauger, had found that forgiveness of self and others was inversely related to psychopathology.  This means that if you can forgive yourself and others, you are less likely to experience a psychological disorder and consequently will be happier! Another study by, done by Tangney, Fee, & Lee in 1999, showed that when we tend to forgive others, we are less likely to experience depressive symptoms and hostility.  A study by Dr. Freedman and Dr. Enright, in 1996, proved that symptoms of anxiety, depression, and anger have also been shown to decline for an individual after that individual forgives another. And yet another study, this one done by Dr. Fincham in 2000, shows a positive relationship between forgiveness and overall relationship satisfaction. So more and more we are seeing studies proving how forgiveness can enhance the quality of our relationships, not to mention our lives as a whole.
 
Now that you understand that forgiveness is vital to your sustainable happiness, what is forgiveness anyway? Forgiveness is the freely chosen motivational transformation in which a desire to see revenge and to avoid contact with a transgressor is lessened, a process sometimes described as an altruistic gift.  (Enright, Freedman, & Rique, 1998; Worthington, 2001)  Researchers have not been able to find agreement when it comes to determining whether forgiveness requires a positive action or a benevolent response (such as compassion, empathy, affection, approach behavior) in relation to the offender, or if the absence of a negative response (hostility, anger, avoidance) is sufficient. (Exline, Worthington, Hill, & McCullough, 2003; Fincham, 2000; Linley & Joseph, 2004)
 
The funny thing is that there actually is a scientifically proven disconnect between researchers and the rest of us in terms of how forgiveness is perceived.  This was found in research done by Dr. Kantz in 2000, which showed that lay people believe reconciliation to be a necessary part of forgiveness — an element that is explicitly rejected by many definitions of forgiveness used for research purposes.  
 
It is here that I ask you to choose the definition of forgiveness that is right for, and feels good to, you.  We can only look to our heart for our personal guidance on this one.
 
I learned the power of forgiveness on a family vacation.  This was my first family vacation as an adult for many years.  During the time that I was with my family many happiness challenges arose for me.  After the family vacation, I was reflecting on how I can make the most of my family relationships and the major lessons I gleaned was the value of forgiveness, letting go and conscious positivity.
Your family will be in your life forever, if you let them. Flesh and blood counts for something, and these relationships are built on a foundation of unconditional love. Given the main premise of your family relationship is unconditional love, understanding how you can manage your family in a positive way is very helpful in creating your sustainable happiness.
 
Letting go has only recently become a topic of research in psychology. According to Dr. Ainsworth-Smith & Dr. Speck (1982), “Letting go can imply being gently drawn into a new sort of existence; or being released or dragged into a void where nothing is safe or nothing consistent.” (p. 35) The Oxford Dictionary says that letting go is to “release, set at liberty, lose hold of, relinquish hold of, dismiss from thought, or cease to restrain.” The two main themes are a sense of liberation and a sense of loss.  It appears to imply that letting go is to change something by moving it from one position to another.  For the purpose of your sustainable happiness, think about letting go as liberation.  
Also, the more positive actions, behaviors, and language are incorporated into the family dynamic, the more positive that dynamic will be. Imagine if everyone in your family were to consistently give you compliments and encouragement, or simply tell you “Hey, you were right”? How good would that feel? Or if you were to consistently give compliments and encouragement to them?  It would feel good, right?  You do not have to wait for your family to come around and employ the principles of forgiveness, letting go, and being positive.  You can take action yourself, right now!
Here is an inspirational story from one of my friends about her experience of letting go with her mother.  
Something must be in the air, because I had the most incredible visit with my mom last week!
 
It was the best time we've ever had together. The week before she arrived, I made a conscious choice to lay down my role that I've played so often with her, that of teacher/parent/coach (what is it with us gals???). What a relief...for both of us!!! Whenever I noticed the inclination to take on that role, I simply contained myself and it passed. Without that dynamic, I was so much more available to love my mom as she is. The last morning of her visit, I gave her the most extraordinary foot bath with rose scented, flower petaled water, massage, a foot mask and lots of kissing. At one point she said to me that she doesn't know if she could've done this for her mother (who died last August). I responded by saying how happy I am to be able to do this for her.
 
It's SOOOOOOOOOOOOO AMAZING! We've shattered the pattern that's been passed on for who knows how many generations of withholding love between mother & daughter. I am SOOOOO grateful to be able to share my love with my mom and to really feel her receiving it. That's all I really wanted to do when I took on the role of teacher/parent/coach, but didn't know how to just love her. I'm so grateful for her willingness to receive my love and to feel her love for me. It was such a precious time we spent together.
 
Such a burden has been lifted from my heart and now I just feel love for her. It's like we get to be little girls together in a strange sort of way...just playing & loving...wwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!.
 
Love to each one of you & to your mamas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Family plays such a huge part in our sustainable happiness.  We have to acknowledge and accept that everyone has their flaws and it is the beauty of our human experience. To accept the ‘im’perfection in ourselves, our parents and siblings is one of our lessons in life. We achieve this when we can fully give and receive unconditional love. And unconditional love is achieved through forgiveness and letting go; all of which are huge players in our sustainable happiness.

Need more help or inspiration to bring happiness into your relationships?
Visit my Self-Help Store for more tools to help you on your way to health and happy relationships!

*************************************************************************************************************
Visit Self-Help Store 
Free Phone Consultation with Dr. Aymee 
Learn how to use Happiness Science to coach others
Hire Dr. Aymee for as a Keynote Speaker
www.happinessmakeover.com 

Dr. Aymee Coget, a widely-known happiness expert, has more than 15 years of experience in positive psychology. Through the Happiness Makeover™, a program developed by Coget, she teaches people how to achieve happiness and handle life's challenges. She also serves as CEO and founder of the American Happiness Association, a science-backed nonprofit designed to educate individuals and organizations about how to be happier, and was nominated for CNN Hero of the Year in 2011. 

Q: What is a way to attract love in your life?

A: More people than you can imagine, do not love themselves entirely.

Do you want someone to love you unconditionally?

Do you give yourself 100% self love?

Think about how that influenced your experience in life.  If we are really 'all one' and we expect others to love us unconditionally then we need to love ourselves first.

It is easy to point the finger at our significant other and say all of the things that are wrong with them.  It is harder to point our fingers at ourselves and ask, "Why is this my experience?" and look at our past and present to see why we are experiencing this lack of self-love. 

Unfortunately our society's educational system does not give us the education we need to build this sense of self love for ourselves.  There is no "How to" manual.  Our family is the only structure that offers us a hint of this 100% unconditional love and if we were raised in a semi-dysfunctional or extremely dysfunctional family, then we have the odds against us.

At some point in our lives we have to come to the decision to love ourselves before we can truly love someone else and receive true love from them,  In fact we will attract someone who does not love themselves if you do love yourself.  This will manifest into an unhappy relationship because each person will expect the other one to love them unconditionally and each person will not be able to do it because their own self love comes first. 

So the first step is to ACKNOWLEDGE that you have to love yourself first unconditionally. 

The second step is to ACCEPT your self love is only going to come from you.

The third step is to TURN YOUR ARROWS AROUND & POINT TO YOURSELF and stop looking to others for love.

The fourth step is START NURTURING YOURSELF like you were a baby.  Treat yourself to dinner by yourself, go to the spa, tell yourself you are beautiful. 

Take the VIA strengths survey http://www.authentichappiness.com/ that will tell you WHAT IS GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF.  Build your life in accordance with your strengths.

If you follow this quick and easy guide to building self-love for yourself, I imagine you will attract the love in your life that you were missing before.



Dr. Aymee



 

Dr. Aymee Coget, Sustainable Happiness Expert, founder of The Happiness Makeover™ Training Program offers services and products on how to become happier at her website www.happinessmakeover.com . Ask questions and visit her on FB or twitter @draymee or her blog www.draymee.blogspot.com